It doesn't matter that nothing matters

It's funny.

I never thought that my desire for connection to the universe could subside.  I never imagined that I could ever give up.

I have.  I know I have.

It's more because things didn't happen than because anything did; the world is constantly evolving and shifting, and perhaps it has always been that way.  I wanted to be an active force in it.  I wanted to change the world, save it somehow, make it better.  I used to really think I could make a difference.  But it's all just writing on the shore as the waves come in.  All things in the world are temporary, and the world doesn't exist anyway.

I only see my own perceptions, and they are skewed and untrue.  I can't trust my perceptions, my interpretations, my feelings, or thoughts.  They are all miscolored by preconceptions.  They are all distortions.  The moments of clarity I cling to in my memory are in the past.

The thing that has always mattered to me is figuring out what I am, what the universe is, what/if God is, and why.  It looks like different questions, but it's all the same answer.  And it's unanswerable.  There are no words that will be able to encode it, there are no feelings to express it, no thoughts to contain it.  I will have to dissolve this bizarre persona to even come close.

And then I find that other things matter to me too, things tied into what I believe myself to be:  a writer of fantasy stories; a human desiring of camaraderie with others; a being with a physical form who must figure out a way to continue to survive in a physical world.

Compromising those drives with the constant thought-parade that insists none of it matters results in a sort of hitching pendulum swing:

I want to write all the stories, and draw all the pictures, make all the films, and design all the things!  But why?  Why do anything?  It doesn't matter.  Even if I like it at one moment, knowing that it doesn't matter, doesn't accomplish, or doesn't actually make any difference one way or the other saps the excitement out of it completely.

But here's the thing:  it doesn't matter that nothing matters.  I think it does, and it destroys my joy, but I'm not thinking clearly.  I'm thinking that if I do something, I will think better about myself.  I will become better for it.  I'm not going to save myself from anything by accomplishing task 1, 2, or 3, but that isn't the point of doing anything.  This is what I need to learn, and the easiest way to do so is by playing video games.

Video games (like everything else, really) are self-contained universes.  We look in, we play around, we think about them.  Our ideas about our experiences are the only things we take with us.  The events therein don't affect my outer life except in how I think about them and use them to relate to other things.  That's all.  One day I can go steal cars and rob banks; another day I can give gold to beggars and bring down an ogre plaguing a town.  It doesn't matter.  I do it because I like to.  No pressure.  That's what I could be doing instead of plaguing myself with how much I'm failing at life because I'm not doing x, y, or z.

Look, man, it's not going to matter when I'm not here anymore (or even tomorrow, really) if I drew a picture or wrote this story, or painted a picture no one else ever sees.  It doesn't matter what I do.  I might as well enjoy it.  There's no pressure on me from anyone anywhere except the crushing pressure of my own self-scrutiny.  I might as well just do what I care to.  It doesn't have to be grand or revolutionary.  Humanity will go on.  The Earth will go on.  Celine Dion's heart will go on.  I will go on.

And if I don't--if I simply dissolve into what actually does exist, whether I know about it or not--that doesn't matter either.  There's nothing to be upset about.  There's no reason for concern.

I'm here now.  That's all I have.

Oh, Lady, it's all meaningless.

In Which I Ponder Sadness Magnets

When I was in college, there was a commons area in the downstairs of the library. There was a Starbucks, eatery and a computer help desk. Tables lined either side of a large walkway. I was sitting there one day when a young man sat down and said, “Hi. I just need to tell someone this,” and proceeded to tell me about a situation with a classmate that was really bothering him. “So if you hear someone say anything about it, tell them what I really think, okay?” He then got up and I never spoke to him again.

The next year, a similar thing happened in the same place, where someone I didn't know sat down with me and proceeded to tell me things he “couldn't tell anyone he knew,” for well over an hour.

And right before I moved, a random woman outside the library stopped and talked to me for a bit about losing her son the month prior.

The first month I moved to Lansing, I was walking home one day and noticed baby sparrows preparing to leave the nest. A woman walked up, and watched the birds with me, and then started talking about the Illuminati and secret government. We talked conspiracy theories for awhile, and then she shared her personal woes and concerns. We sat on the sidewalk and talked for two hours. I hugged her good-bye and never saw her again.

Yesterday, the bus detoured around my usual stop. I was all excited to go home and eat some Greek yogurt, but as I crossed Washington Square, I suddenly decided to go to Jimmy John's. When I entered, I saw the young woman on the other side of the restaurant and somehow knew she was going to talk to me. I ordered my sandwich, sat down, took two bites, and she came and sat with me. She talked with me for four hours—super personal topics mostly focusing on genetics, mental health, depression and eventually began to touch on religious beliefs (which I consider having a massive impact on someone's mental well being). I hugged her good night, knowing that she probably hasn't been hugged in weeks or maybe even months, and that she definitely needed a nice hug.

I know that I have a pattern of being drawn to deeply sad people, and can relate to despair and hopelessness. Maybe I'm just chock full of defense mechanisms, disallowing me to get lost in it any more, mostly because there's nothing particularly sad to be caught up in. If I believed people could go to hell and God was a petty tyrant that required people to buy their way into heaven with slavish obedience, yeah, maybe I would be ridiculously depressed too. I was, when I believed that. But I did get angry about it, refusing to accept that concept of God as Divine. If I, as a human, can be “better” than the Christian concept of God, then God is severely lacking. I won't accept a less than perfect Divinity. I don't view logic and faith as counter to one another. If the basic suppositions about the nature of the world are different, all the things people believe can only be believed in through faith are not only possible, but probable.

That's the lucky thing, I suppose. I've never been able to really accept that God requires us to be any certain way, or to say certain things, or to not do this or that. What else could there be but God? Why would God require us to sacrifice or suffer? That's not freedom, and a truly loving God would allow us to be free. Free to make mistakes, and to correct our errors in thought; to learn and remember. To wake from our strange slumberous dream. We're already perfect; we just don't see ourselves that way.

When I began to consider these things, everything in my life changed. I think her life would be changed if she considered these things. But it's not for me to push. I can offer when asked, but I know that people who believe they are right and everyone else is wrong have a tendency to disregard the difficult, giving an answer about God's mystery or the audacity of human pride. Everyone has the right to be confused. If we knew how things really were, the illusion of choice would fade into nothing. There is no arguing with reality; there are no choices to be made.

It is no wonder that such great sorrow coils itself within many of us. The greatest gift a belief in Divinity can give is the knowledge that one is loved, and most of us just don't feel it.

I feel so close

I keep feeling like I am right on the verge of opening my eyes and seeing nothing but Divinity, shedding this illusory dream consciousness and opening awareness to the vast perfection beyond.  I am tired of interacting with others based on my fear or their fear.  Every single thing is related to through love.  There can be no other relationship, as fear separates, shuts out, refuses to see. 

If we react with anything but pure acceptance or pure love, we are displaying our belief in separation as well as our belief that something is not "good enough" for us.  Why else would we shield off our love from anything?  When we feel we must protect ourselves, we are showing that we believe not only that we are being attacked, but that we can be damaged.  It is entirely a false system of thought.

Many of us do things in an attempt to manipulate others to our whim, believing we are doing it as an expression of love.  When you give up something to please someone else, you are attempting to buy their acceptance, stave off some imagined downfall.  When we sacrifice things to try to please God, we are trying to buy our way into Heaven.  No wonder our religions are fraught with guilt.  But we do this within our personal relationships as well, with someone else's acceptance as a pale replacement for that of God's.

Every rejection, avoidance, or feeling of hesitation displays our belief that we are unworthy of love.  What can we withhold from someone else that we aren't withholding from ourselves?  We cannot be free in such a state.  We are here because we believe we are individuals, but to be separated from our Source is to cut off our wings?yet still try to fly.  We cannot be individuals, because we cannot be divided.  We are whole, and the only way to be whole is to be One.  Our belief that we are something other than what we are is the cause of every tiny bit of pain we believe we experience.

We rejected God.  God cannot reject us, because God does not recognize the concept of Otherness.  How can you, when you are All That Is?

Amazing book

I've been following David Wilcock's work for three or four years now, and I can safely say that his new book, The Source Field Investigations blows everything else he's done--or that anyone else has done--straight out of the water.

And I'm not even done with it yet.

The evidence is brought together into a cohesive, magnificent picture that points, on no uncertain terms, the greatest mystery currently unknown to mankind and shows a greater image than I thought science could ever show--but does, right here in this lovely book.

It's so much information, and so easy to comprehend, explaining anomaly after anomaly in a way that not only makes sense but points toward the practical applications--when Wilcock speaks of the blueprints for a Golden Age, that is not hyperbole. This understanding of the physical/mental/spiritual can literally transform life on Earth, if we take it and use it.

To say "we are all connected," is an understatement. There really is only one thing in this multiverse, and we are it.

Scott Mandelker Interview

I know it's rough and full of stop/pause/redos, but Mandelker is always good to listen to :)

Extraterrrestrial Influences?

At work the other day, I stumbled upon a discussion one dude was having with another regarding a Creationist who believed that if you didn’t believe the Earth was X years old, you just didn’t have the right religion. After listening for a little while, one of them said something that spurred me to give the remark, “I think the Bible is all about aliens. Ezekiel carried into heaven by a wheel of fire? Yeah, UFO.”

There was laughter, as I meant for there to be, just by the way I said it, but at the same time I meant it. The Old Testament makes far more sense to me in the context of extraterrestrial interaction. Moses saw God’s back, remember, and God walked in the garden of Eden and did not know where Adam and Eve were. Pretty weird. Pillar of fire by night, smoke by day? Parting water and whatnot? With an understanding and ability to manipulate electromagnetism or perhaps sonic technology, would these things really be so hard? The Ark of the Covenant seemed to contain something pretty magnificent, and people were supposed to wear particular gear and whatnot to approach it, otherwise they died.

I don’t however, think the entity known as the Christ used physical technology to alter the world about him. I believe his technology was the mental/spiritual understanding of the interdimensional nature of himself and reality. I think this because Jesus is not the only person to operate in the Christ state of awareness. Many people have experiences which are not physically measureable or explainable in the materialistic model of reality, yet they are fairly common. Less common are the accounts of chi mastery, levitation, telepathy, telekinesis, instantaneous healing, stigmata, people who need not eat or drink for years, and so on. These things are possible with realization and greater awareness of the energy matrix within which we operate. When it comes down to it, we don’t really know what we are. Our foundational beliefs about this are afloat in an ocean of potentials and possibilities.

The missing link or leap in our evolutionary history points also points to external influences. Whether this is because of galactic cycles, or because of manipulation of the genome, I couldn’t say. I’m leaning toward a combination of galactic cycle to bring about the primate form, and then genetic manipulation to create the current sapiens form a shorter while ago.

The cycle I refer to is one discovered by a pair of paleontologists from the University of Chicago, Raup and Sepkoski. They discovered that every 26 million years, the marine fossil record shows that there are massive die-offs, and the species of Earth make spontaneous evolutionary leaps. The researchers tried to dismiss it and figure it out of their data, and it does seem like there were two consecutive cycles where it was skipped (this was just in the marine fossil record) but it persisted regularly over the 250 million year span they looked over. [http://www.pnas.org/cgi/content/abstract/81/3/801]

The graph shows extinction followed by a spike of new species appearing in the seabed. There is a lack of Earth cataclysms to support the idea that massive die-offs are caused by asteroids and whatnot.

And then, from Berkeley, Robert Rohde discovered an even larger cycle of 62 million years, which he explained in Nature [http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v434/n7030/abs/nature03339.html].


The Rohde cycle is about every 62 million years, give or take 3 million. We’re at 65 million years since the last—and yeah, it could be 5,000 years in the future, but right now, we’re in the midst of a major die off. We haven’t seen extinction rates like this, and it isn’t just because of humanity. Frogs are dying off from a widespread fungus that has appeared everywhere in the world, not just in pockets of isolation, which strikes me as simply weird.

There are a lot of people in the alternate/New Age group who think it’s planet X causing these changes (based on Zecharia Sitchin’s work with Sumerian myth that speaks of a planet that sweeps through our orbit every ~3500 years) but the gravitational flux from a single planet would have little sway on the sun but a possibly catastrophic effect on other planets. Perhaps the planet people have been expecting was actually the massive comet the size of Jupiter that swung through our solar system in 2003 so close to the sun it was inside Mercury’s orbit.

The gravitational influence of this massive body should have pulled the planets out of their orbits, yet it had little to no noticeable effect, which is physically impossible. The comet itself wasn’t well publicized, probably because it would have panicked people, since we potentially could have collided with it. There are pictures and whatnot of it online. (Is this the same comet that seems to be a fulfillment of Hopi prophecy? To appear as a blue star, the comet would have had to have been between us and the sun to have its tail aligned with its core. This comet was in and out of our solar system in a matter of days. Huge and unimaginably fast.)

This brings us back to the extraterrestrial influence operating in our solar system. If one had the technology, one could potentially shield the gravitational influence of such an object and protect a solar system and a planet full of life from too much disturbance.

A lot of people, including one of the chaps I mentioned earlier, think there’s no reason for extraterrestrials to visit us. If they thought the way most Earthlings think, perhaps not. But I think about it this way. If they were able to develop a way to travel all the way to Earth before destroying themselves, chances are their ideas about life are going to be far different from ours. I think a lot of our science fiction may not be so far off from reality. It’s pretty easy to ask yourself, “if you were an advanced civilization, how would you interact with a less evolved one?” Personally, I think I’d institute something like Star Trek’s prime directive or Star Ocean’s UP3 (Underdeveloped Planet Protection Pact) to not openly influence the overall evolution of the planet so that the people can grow and learn on their own—unless they are about to be wiped out, either by their own doing or by some outside event.

I move worms from the sidewalk because worms don’t have the perspective to see that the sidewalk is a path of worm-death, just as many Earthlings seem to lack the perspective to see that selfishness, greed and war is a path of Earth-death.

This isn’t to say that all the people who may have visited us have our best interests in mind. According to the Sumerian script Sitchin translated, the Annunaki created the human form to be able to mine gold for their Annunaki overlords. The Elohim of the Old Testament created man and demanded worship and strict rules to be followed, overseeing and enforcing their own laws, wiping out towns with blasts akin to nuclear strikes, killing the firstborn in the homes unmarked with the blood of a lamb. Currently, there are supposedly groups who have provided Earth’s negative elite with technologies to assist them in keeping others willingly oppressed.

Yet there are eyewitness military accounts that hovering lights have somehow rendered warheads inert and powered down nuclear facilities. Perhaps these are the same entities who have assigned themselves as our protectors and guardians, giving those of us who care to search clues toward understanding the nature of reality, encoded into the geometrical formations that appear in our crops. Perhaps they are what we have to look forward to in our next step of evolution, which seems to be fast approaching. It is no surprise that the structures people have given their lives over to are breaking down and being restructured. It may seem like a step back, but we’re making room for the running start to the leap of consciousness and corresponding form we are about to take.